The weird world of the Whitehaven Festival

In 1998 I came up with the idea that Whitehaven could stage a major festival (over a couple of glasses of wine mind you) and you would think that the strangest thing of all was that it became a success with one event attracting over 300k visits but no, there were far stranger things behind the scenes!

Take the claimers 

For example, and we had so many people try it on from tripping over cables that wern't there (let's face it that's like a chancers apprenticeship) to the down right ridiculous. How about the lady who claimed she was wearing £2500 Gucci shoes that were ruined by raw sewerage running down the harbour. It was an easy one to disprove as there were no pipes anywhere near her and when we asked to see the shoes, low and behold she had destroyed them by fire to kill the smell!

Then there was the lady who tried to sue for a blistered throat caused by the exhaust pipe of an Ice cream van. She claimed she didn't know the engine we would be running, all we had to ask was what was she doing with the exhaust pipe and the matter blew away (pardon the awful pun). We had a chap tried to claim for damage to cows caused by air shows so we videoed them one year when the Red Arrows were doing their best to get their udders in a pickle but happily the grass was far more interesting to the unpatriotic milk makers. We also had a lady (sorry girls but you really dont come out of this one very well) who tried her best to make us have a silent festival ie no air shows and no fireworks to protect her nervous horse. We even offered to have a Vet on standby for the horse but all she wanted was silence so we chose to give her that and ignored her.

Then theres the plain funny: 

I had arranged for a USA Film crew who were making a documentary about the US Navy to sit on the bow spirit of a tall ship to get a cracking inner harbour view of the Red Arrows. Thankfully they had tied the very expensive kit they were using to their back pack because when the reds did their close fast pass (yes that one, that makes you think they have been smoking something first) the cameraman screamed F,,, me and dropped the camera. That was a spine tingler. Fast forward a year and I was accompanying two senior US officers along the main front when the Reds did it again and the senior of the two officers shouted F,,, me was that a near miss! Fast forward 4 more years and I was taking Jean Christophe Novelli fresh from the stage behind St Nics Church to the harbour to meet one of our sponsors. Now Jean gets stuck right into the whole cooking thing but unless he is fully briefed, he can miss out on the whole scene. So there we were walking towards Stobbarts Marquee on Quay Street, JC was on his mobile and a Hunter Jet (yes it had to be a hunter, all engine no foreplay) came screaming over head causing JC to drop his mobile which smashed and scream F,,, me as I quickly added, Oh sorry did I not tell you about the air shows. Actually F,,, me should have been our motto,,, can anyone translate it to Latin?

Floyd bless his cotton socks was our first celebrity chef demo in the theatre we built in the rear of St Nics but despite his surroundings, his colourful language kept bubbling to the surface. A member of the local clergy spoke up and said rather light heatedly, Mr Floyd, this is still a house of God, to which he replied, Oh Bugger.

Then theres the tight gits: 

Why do I have to pay to get on the Sugar Tongue? Answer, because theres tall ships to see, chefs to watch and extra entertainment. Reply: Im not interested in any of that, to which we would say well come back on Monday for free then!

Why do I have to pay to get on the Tall ship, Ive been on that one before!

Why are you charging local children to get into the gig (Ndubz were headlining and were Number 1 in the charts that weekend). One woman even told me that if we put more effort into finding sponsors, I wouldn't have to rip kids off!

Can I just photograph the timetable page as I dont need the programme just the page?

£2 to get on a ship, what does that get me? It gets you on the ship; But what can I do on there for the money? What would you like to do, sail it?

How much are tickets for Status Quo? £39 each. How much for locals? £39 each! Fuck it then you can keep them.

We're not going to the gig but we are having a garden party to listen to them, what times are the different acts on and do you have song lists? Would you like to buy a programme? No, just give me the times!

Theres always just the plain daft: 

Are Status Quo staying in a Whitehaven hotel? No, why do you ask? Well if they arent supporting us I'm not buying a ticket to see them!

I've bought tickets for the Rugby ground to watch Status Quo, if it rains on the day will you be putting a roof over the stadium? No, just bring a hat!

This one was a regular after every festival: I missed the event as we booked a weekend away, you need to make the dates clearer and advertise better to which a fairly standard discussion followed; It's been in the local newspapers regularly for a year! I dont read them any more, It's been on BBC local radio and CFM, I  dont listen to them, Its been on Border TV ad BBC North East several times, I only watch Sky News, to which I would finally say well in that case can you give me your address and Ill knock next time!

The Newspaper say's Abba Gold are playing the next festival, is that actually Abba?

Conversation overheard by a local reporter on the Friday of one of the Festivals as crowds were heading to the harbour area, voices reported as locals: There must be something on this weekend!

I got a parking ticket during the festival, what are you going to do about it? 

And  my all time favourite; Why can't we do that every weekend!

Read on if you have a sense of humour!

If only Whitehaven was Monaco, what would life be like?
The heat and the wonderful bright sun would be our first problem. Look at how tempers are flaring about car parking and toilet issues right now and it's barely 16 degrees, can you image peoples impatience and lack of tolerance at 30 degrees? Still on the bright side we would see more and more of those wonderfully honed bodies that Whitehaven is famous for. I particularly love to see the old sea dog sailors who had a stomach tattoo done when they were as fit as a butchers dog and now regret not building some expansion into the art. There's nothing says fuck you quite like f     u     c     k     y     o     u!  Mind you unfortunate tattoos aren't the sole domain of the chaps these days and I often wonder if there's any personal embarrassment when a middle aged lady strips for the doctor and her tender parts are emblazoned with eat here or free milk. Still if we were Monaco, we could tolerate all this under the long hot sun.
I suppose we would have to have signs in the harbour area urging locals not to fly their helicopters off their yachts but surely they would be better than signs asking you not to let your dog crap or telling you theres a fixed penalty for littering,,, or was it loitering? Anyway I dont hang around to find out. Still, the water would be clean and there would be an assortment of multi coloured fish scavenging for waste from the many harbourside restaurants instead floating rubbish and the occasional shit eating mullet. But would we be happy? Personally I like the mullet although I wouldn't eat one and its interesting watching the rubbish float down from Pow Beck, you never know whats coming next, mind you watching seagulls fight over a tampon was a particularly low moment. Another bright side would be our Royal family as we would have to have a prince to be a principality. Who could that possibly be? I reckon Prince Starkie would work well, but where would the palace be? What about converting the top floor of the Beacon into a palace apartment and letting visitors pop in during the day to see portraits of Councillor Wormstrup and others from the old praetorian guard of CBC. The Royal car would have to be an electric leaf with a cycle powered generator in the back pedalled by a graduate on loan from Sellafield.
Lowther Street and King Street (to be renamed Prince Street) would be busier though with all the billionaires shopping. Never again would we see a charity shop with a half price sale in the window or an outdoor clothing store offering half price camping gear at the start of the summer.  Empty shops with long gone gigs advertised in their windows would be history and Poundland would be offering pots of caviare with a very short best before date. Mcdonalds would be upgraded to offer sides of salmon or spear caught squid in baps, presumably still with free coke.
One of the drawbacks in attracting billionaires off their gin palaces though would be the speed bumps. I mean come on, who wouldnt get upset if their brand new Veyron got stuck amid rift on County Council property? Mind you they would also cause issues for the Grand Prix race but I suppose the cars could cut up King Street instead and all the teams could use the old bus station as the pit stop (health and safety permitting of course)
The problem is that even if we were Monacco, many locals would still bitch, it's too hot, that yacht is blocking my view of Tescos, there are not enough charity shops and the ones that are here dont have sales on any more!
But at least we would have the sun

Electric is here to stay baby

I've driven an Electric Nissan Leaf for three years now, so a cynic could say I've served my penance for mother nature and that I could return to the dirty world of fossil fuel with my head held high but guess what? You can keep fossil fuels and regular trips to the garage because I'm a convert. No, Im not a tree hugger, badger campaigner, stop cutting the hedges and save the dolphin type of chap, in fact the only things I get heated about lately are Man Utds away performances and the latest Donald Trump announcements. I know, I know the latter really arent important but the former definitely is.

Actually one of the best things about the Leaf is that Donald Trump would hate it and that gives me a bit of a kick every time I switch it on. Anyway, I have a habit of digressing but I was just about to tell you I had taken on my second Leaf from Edgars Rowrah and it was the easiest decision I've ever made. Trust me I've thought longer over whether its to be a tea or cappuccino!

The new leaf has a higher power battery, not that I ever had any issues with the old one. I used to charge it three times a week overnight and send the car an email first thing in the morning to switch on the heated seats and climate control,, yes you can do that with the Leaf so no more cold mornings waiting for the windows to defrost, its all done ready for your arrival in the car a bit like an electronic concierge. Anyhow, I had a meeting to attend in Grasmere and with the A591 Lakes road still impassible it was either the diversion from Hell via the M6 or the springtime pleasures of Hardknott Pass. For those of you who have never done Hardknott and Wrynose Passes let me just say they have to be on your bucket list and preferably before you end up as a possible cardiac patient because while stunning, they aint for the faint of heart. For me it was the first time over the pass in a Leaf so I did have a little fear in the back of my mind that it could be embarrassing but I needn't have worried. About half way up the first part of the pass and it was going well but I was worried that the Leaf was holding back a little until I remembered to switch it out of Eco mode which greatly reduces the supply of power. It should be called something far more exotic though such as turbo boost or launch control because that's exactly what it did halfway up the pass. It went into launch mode causing me to pull back sharply on the power because this baby would have eaten up Hardknott and spat it out. The fabulous but sometimes hairy thing about this wonderful Pass is that rather like The Duke of York, once you've marched all the way up, you have to march all the way back down and that's where the fun really starts. The fun starts there because as regular Pass drivers know there's an awful lot of braking going down the other side and the wonderful Leaf generates electricity every time you brake, now isn't that a cool trick!

I plugged it in at Grasmere for an hour during the meeting and then set off back over the same Pass but this time having got the hang of how much electricity I was going to use, I switched on the heated seats and steering wheel and trust me the latter is a blessing to anyone with bad circulation or arthritis! I got back home with 16 miles of charge to spare and four christmas trees on the dashboard. Yes, Christmas Trees because for some reason known only to Mr Nissan the Leaf rewards you with a tree every few miles of ecological driving and four meant that I had been really kind to mother earth while having a cracking time behind the wheel.

One more thing worth noting when you are out on a journey in the Leaf is the sound system by Bose. Its quite incredible and feels so immersive that even the Blues sounded really good. Yep, the Leaf has it all and some, more tech than the space shuttle, the smoothest of rides due to there being no gear changes and some really potent power when you need it. Go Leaf Go!

Is wine really bad for you

Common sense is not so common.

Voltaire

It seems that after 20 years of promoting and loving the wine business, I now find myself on the wrong side of the Government health watchdogs. Alcohol is bad for you they proclaimed, Hogwash I replied, no level of alcohol is safe they shouted, tell that to a Scot I cried, but we are only looking out for your good health they announced, mind your own sodding business I retorted, but we know best they screamed, not according to my pleasure receptors you dont I yelled and so the argument goes on. The Editor and I had convened an urgent COBRA meeting (Cumbrians Opposed to Bureaucratic Ratifications on Alcohol) and we discussed whether continuing this wine column could see either of us taking a trip to see the big man in a black maria. After much discussion about our abilities to withstand questioning and whether we would have to abandon our families and accept a new life engaged to a Scouse drug dealer named Big Bob, we have bravely decided to take the risk for you our wonderful readers. However if we are snatched off the street and flown to Guantanamo Bay, please turn out in force and remember the Cumbrian Two, united we stand, while  divided we could be writing love letters to Big Bob.

Anyway, regardless of Government pressure, I will fight on in the business even if I end up hovering outside Costa with a big overcoat on, pockets full of illicit claret while trying to decide if any of my street clients are working for the man. In the evenings you will have to call my mobile number which I’ll change every few days so dont forget to step into the BT phone booth on Lowther Street where my number will be constantly updated, Ill probably be alongside Micky who can fix you up with umpteen different powders to snort up your nose and Scary Mary who promises lots of love for under a fiver. This is where having an electric car could come in handy as deliveries in the wee hours of the morning would be silent and stealthy but what about the legal ramifications for you the end abuser of alcohol. If a police search of your house turned up a decanter and glasses would that in the future arouse as much suspicion as gold scales found in a two up two down on Kells? Would possesion of alcohol become an offence or merely consumption? Can you imagine sitting down to a re run of Downton Abbey with a glass of Port and having the front door kicked in by the police. Then again if alcohol gets banned the bureaucracy will probably be in such a state of political correctness that police decision will be made by committees rather than officers. They will be forced to consider so many things before signing off on a raid that you should have time to drink the evidence and wash the offending glasses.

The Rum Story would probably be able to continue but without the sale or sampling of Rum. The new narrative would be written by Kim Yong Ill’s former speech writer who now finds the UK a far more receptive place for his talents. Whether coach loads of people would actually want to visit to be lectured on the hazards of the past and how much more beneficial a carrot and turnip smoothie is to your future longevity I dont know. Then again the cellar under their front shop window could once again be filled with stone bottles of illegal alcohol accessed via the stern assistant who is actually secretly allied to the Cumbrian Two and to whom a secret handshake grants access to medicine bottles full of rum. The number of Grandparents with bottles of Calpol in their overcoats would triple over night. Deli counters in the Supermarkets would ask you to sign a waiver stating that under no circumstances would the pumpkin seeded wedge cheddar you purchased  be washed down with alcohol. Council allotments would have regular inspections by the fruits for fruits sake committee and heaven help you if you seem to be focussing too much on elderberries, blackcurrants or heaven forbid grapes. Theres another product whose sales would be restricted. Grapes would probably have a colour changing ingredient genetically bred into them that turns the resultant liquid high vis yellow if it comes into contact with alcohol. A visit to Wilkos could get you on the terrorist watch list if you ended up combining buckets, yeast, sugar and bottles in the same basket.

Still, despite all the new red tape, you can always rely on the Cumbrian Two to bring the truth (as we see it anyway) to your palate regardless of the looming attention of Big Bob or a bed in Cuba.